Harperly Everly After

I did not grow up in a traditional family.  We had so many issues, we could have started our own magazine.   I've discussed before that pretty much everything I learned about families and relationships was learned through learning what I didn't want to do because of them.  The last time I ever lived under a roof with 2 normal happily married people was when I was 4 years old.  The weekends I spent at my dads house, I learned very well that his favorite saying about the rules at his house was "This isn't a democracy, its a dictatorship!" This week basically reinforced that everything I experienced growing up was just one big no-no as far as how families should deal with control and power.  Heres what I learned from Richard B. Miller in an address titled Who's the Boss; Parents should be the "executive committee" and the "Board of Directors"... not dictators.   Parents lead the family.  Its not about control, its about love and care. ...

I want to relate a story that a good friend shared with me in the midst of a conflict she was having.  I have her permission to share.  My good friend showed up at church one Sunday surprised to see that an old male friend of hers had not only just moved into her ward, but had moved five doors down from her, on the same street as her.  It wasn't long before their kids were carpooling to school, the families were hanging out for dinners and games, and it was very easy to pick the friendship right back up where they left off.  The only problem was they were no longer young single adults, but married with families.  The friendship that felt natural was no longer appropriate.  They would text each other on occasion about kids or school stuff and then continue talking about other things.  He would complain about his wife and she would give him advise thinking she was helping.  One night when her husband was working late, she heard a noise in her ba...

When researcher John Gottman, PH.D. looked to see what the main difference was between couples who continued to improve on their marriage and happiness over the years, and those who did not, he found one blaring difference.  He noticed that couples who were successful in their relationship had devoted time and patterns to improving their relationship each week.  He called this the Magic Six Hours.  Gottman outlines this weekly pattern in the end of his book The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work; Partings-  Find out at least one thing that your spouse will be doing that day.  What is something that is on their schedule?  Doing this for 5 working days, at 2 minutes a day, this totals 10 minutes . Reunions - ALWAYS greet your spouse after the day with a hug and a kiss.  Not just a peck, but a kiss that lasts at least 6 seconds.  Can you knock their socks off?  Then have a conversation about the day for around 20 minutes.  Doi...

Imagine you are in the middle of a fight with your significant other.  Are you imagining a fight over who's turn it is to take out the trash or load the dishwasher?  Or are you imagining something that goes a lot deeper?  Maybe its a fight over how much time your spouse is working, or one or the both of your spending habits?   Our conflicts with our spouse can always be broken into two types of issues.  Solvable and Perpetual conflicts; Solvable conflict - Focuses on a specific problem.  They can easily be resolved.  They do not bring up past feelings about other conflicts or cause you to become heated or emotional.  Your spouse does not become the bad guy. Perpetual conflict (69% of conflicts)- These cannot be resolved.  Represent core differences in personality or values.  Our past, emotional needs, and habits often are at the heart of these problems.  They can feel overwhelming and intense, easy to become gridlocked, or...

Pride. Not me.  Right?  Pride goeth before the fall.  Pride is one of the deadly sins.  I don't have that problem.  Definitely not me. Sigh. I learned a lot about pride this week.  The more I learned about it, the more I saw it within myself. I was reading Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, and he talks about the battle we wage due to pride. The scene is set for the battle because  of  our pride. Pride includes our own attunement to our own needs as the standard  of judgment. Pride also includes the fact that we honestly believe that we understand our partners and what makes them tick. We presume to understand their thoughts, motives and intent better than even they themselves do. We then go on to mentally review current and past violations of the other person, we define the problem, which almost always is solely our partner, and we declare innocence and guilt.  We focus on what we know, how we...