Week 10 - The Magic Six Hours

When researcher John Gottman, PH.D. looked to see what the main difference was between couples who continued to improve on their marriage and happiness over the years, and those who did not, he found one blaring difference.  He noticed that couples who were successful in their relationship had devoted time and patterns to improving their relationship each week.  He called this the Magic Six Hours.  Gottman outlines this weekly pattern in the end of his book The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work;

• Partings- Find out at least one thing that your spouse will be doing that day.  What is something that is on their schedule?  Doing this for 5 working days, at 2 minutes a day, this totals 10 minutes.
• Reunions- ALWAYS greet your spouse after the day with a hug and a kiss.  Not just a peck, but a kiss that lasts at least 6 seconds.  Can you knock their socks off?  Then have a conversation about the day for around 20 minutes.  Doing this for 5 days a week, at 20 minutes a day, this totals 1 hour 40 minutes.
• Admiration and appreciation-  Find a way to show your spouse that you love and appreciate them.  Say I love you but also sing their praises.  By focusing on the good, even when its hard to think of something, it makes it harder to see the irritations.   Doing this every day for 5 minutes a day, this totals 35 minutes
• Affection-  Find ways to physically be affectionate every day.  Have a cuddle before bed, share a goodnight kiss, hold hands.  When you embrace, let go of any annoyances that have accumulated through the day.  Have a mind of forgiveness.  An elderly man was once asked the secret to his long marriage, and he answered "A bad memory!"  Remember the good, forget the bad.  Doing this every day for 5 minutes a day, this totals 35 minutes.
• Weekly date-  Spending time together each week keeps spouses connected and up-to-date with each others lives, thoughts, and dreams.  Turn toward each other, focus on the other person.  You're making memories that you can look back on and smile (hopefully).  Doing this for 2 hours per week totals 2 hours.
• State of the union meeting-  Take one hour a week to have a meeting together where you talk specifically about the things that were good, and the things you feel need to be worked on in your relationship.  Be kind and gentle with your words.  End this meeting each week by asking and answering the question "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?"  Doing this for one hour each week totals 1 hour

Total time: 6 hours

This extra time is spread out through lots of easily attainable activities.  You'll never even notice that time accumulating!  John Gottman explains "Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club."

I feel like that last step, the one hour meeting together acts as the Marital Poop Detector that John Gottman talks about in his book.  When you can get together and figure out and talk about stresses or issues while they're still minor, then you can keep your relationship running like a well oiled machine.  All parties stay happy!

Personally, I am far too familiar will letting little issues stew, and remain covered up.  Over time they get larger and larger in my mind until one day, the smallest thing sets it off, and suddenly, its WAR!  I am the perfect example of what not to do, and why its so important to take Gottman's advise!

I can also see how my experience is the opposite of the Magic Six Hours that are recommended.  My husband works long hours at odd times of day.  Until recently, he was actually on the graveyard shift, working from 9pm-9am (thats including his drive time and preparation), and then sleeping all day until just before dinner time.  His 3 days off per week usually aren't 3 days off.  He usually works 2 of those days doing overtime.  So we were not seeing each other very often. There are probably some weeks where we only saw each other a total of 6 hours, and they were not very magical, I can tell you that.  Slowly we stopped with the affection, there didn't seem to be time for appreciation, and date night was definitely out the window.  We needed help, and when we first were able to talk to someone, the first thing they told us to do is start having weekly date night, and to always end the day with a kiss or a cuddle after a prayer together.  Its taken time, but the good times gave gotten better, and the hard times have gotten fewer and further apart.  We make more time for each other and we are happier.

Our marriage for sure is not perfect, but through all of the principles that John Gottman writes about and recommends, it is getting better.