Week 9 - Types of tricky conflicts

Imagine you are in the middle of a fight with your significant other.  Are you imagining a fight over who's turn it is to take out the trash or load the dishwasher?  Or are you imagining something that goes a lot deeper?  Maybe its a fight over how much time your spouse is working, or one or the both of your spending habits?  

Our conflicts with our spouse can always be broken into two types of issues.  Solvable and Perpetual conflicts;

1. Solvable conflict- Focuses on a specific problem.  They can easily be resolved.  They do not bring up past feelings about other conflicts or cause you to become heated or emotional.  Your spouse does not become the bad guy.
2. Perpetual conflict (69% of conflicts)- These cannot be resolved.  Represent core differences in personality or values.  Our past, emotional needs, and habits often are at the heart of these problems.  They can feel overwhelming and intense, easy to become gridlocked, or emotionally hurt, scarred, and disengaged.

I had always thought that when you have the same emotional and contentious fights, that meant that something was horribly wrong on the foundational level in a marriage.  There have been many times after having the same fight, yet again, I have thought that both my husband and I might be happier if we went our separate ways.  But I am learning that these perpetual problems are not only unavoidable, but they are common in even the happiest of marriages!

The key to these problems is to forgive and accept past differences.  Love and accept your spouse for who they are, faults and all.  My husband is a neat freak, I am more relaxed about the level of tidiness I can live with.  My husband HAS to have the gas tank filled at a half tank, I tend to do mental calculations on my head of how many miles I can go before I'm riding on fumes.  My husband is very frugal, while I am not quite so uptight about every little penny spent.

Here are some helpful tips from John Gottman, PHD to getting through both solvable and perpetual troubles...

• Negative emotions are important- "Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better."  The trick is to listen to the message rather than the delivery.
• No one is right- "There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones."  We each have different perspectives that lead to different actions.  There is no right and wrong.
• Acceptance is crucial- "It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice, unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are."  Even our faults.  especially from the person we've promised to share our lives with.
• Focus on fondness and admiration-  "...a robust fondness and admiration system is central to remaining happily married."  So fondness and admiration trumps faults every time.

For example....

My husband is a police officer here in Las Vegas.  We are constantly arguing about the way he talks to me and the kids.  I argue that I don't want to be talked to like I'm a criminal being ordered around, and he argues that he's just being blunt and saying what he needs to say.  He doesn't have time to walk on eggshells with what he says.  Over time, I've gotten very easily upset over this situation, even feeling like he doesn't respect or trust me if he orders me around like one of the bad guys he talks to on the street.  He feels I'm being overly sensitive, and a crybaby.  You can see how this perpetual argument can spin out of control.  If I follow Gottman's advice though, I would stop and listen to my husbands message rather than his delivery.  What is the goal of his communication?  I would take into consideration that all day long he has to take control of every situation he deals with.  He has to be bossy, he has to tell people what to do and make sure they are complying.  If he doesn't, not only can he get hurt, but innocent victims can get hurt.  When I take that into consideration, its easy to see that the way he's talking to me isn't necessarily disrespect, but a by-product of his occupation.  It doesn't make him right.  There is no right.  But it makes me better able to love and understand him through the conflict.