Week 13 - In-Laws in our Family

I've shared before that my family experiences while growing up were less than ideal.  That being said, it was obvious why I dreamed of one day being part of a whole family who loved each other and was there for each other.  Marrying into such a family wasn't my driving goal when I was dating, but it was something that I considered very important to me.  I imagined a mother and father-in-law who were just as close to me as real parents, and siblings-in-law that I could confide in.  I lucked out.  While everything isn't the exact picture perfect dream I imagined, its pretty darn close.  I have 5 sisters-in-law, 2 brothers-in-law, and a mother and father-in-law that I chat on the phone with regularly.  My in-laws always inquire after how my family is doing, and they share our joys, and our sadnesses, always validating our thoughts and fears, and never dismissing us or our feelings.  My mother-in-law comes to visit regularly, and I always wish her visits would never end.  When I imagine how our family will change once my children start to marry off, I want to be just like my mother-in-law when I deal with my children's future spouses.

My sisters-in-law, and my mother-in-law on a girls trip

I think that after my in-laws had raised 8 children, they did not have any problems of enmeshment, or being overly close.  They were ready for the house to finally be quiet.  They all but kicked every last child out on their 18th birthday. With so many children to love, and then children in-law, and then grandchildren, I don't think they've ever even had time to be overly concerned about how we do things, or what decisions we make, so I've been lucky in that.  They live in Canada, while we live in Las Vegas, so we have a healthy amount of space between us, to the point that I often wish we were closer to them!

I see much of what James Harper and Susanne Olsen says in their book, under the chapter titled Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family;

Parents who try to create a climate of safety in which children can express their feelings about how involved they want to be will have the greatest potential for positive influence in their children's and grandchildren's lives.  when married children are treated with respect and love in this matter, they are more likely to want to spend more time with parents and extended family.

One day when I become a mother-in-law, I hope that I can encourage my child to direct their problems to their spouse, rather than venting to me about it.  I hope that I can accept and include their spouse as an immediate member of the family, despite the differences they bring with them.  One thing I want to do is offer them the option of calling us "mom" and "dad" if they'd like.  That helps to really bind a person and give them a sense of belonging.  I never want any ill-feeling between me and a spouse to be a point of conflict for my childs marriage.  It will be up to me to make sure all the future children-in-law feel like they have a place in our family, and I hope that I can really show them the love and concern that they hope to be shown.