Week 2-The Divorce Trend

Once upon a time... I was young and head over heels in love.  I had the fairy tale wedding, I had the cute step-son that I adored, and I got butterflies in my stomach every day that I woke up next to my handsome husband.  And then I didn't.  My world came crashing down around me in a tumbling of lies, deceit, infidelity (both emotional and physical), confusion, and abandonment.  I did every possible thing I could think of to slow down that oncoming train of change, but nothing that I did had the power to slow down that bulldozing force of destruction.  The hours I spent on my knees in prayer, the articles I pulled up on how to save a marriage, the desperate pleas I made to him, the marriage counseling that he wouldn't attend, nothing made a difference.  I learned that sometimes, despite our best intentions, we cannot have any power over another persons actions.  For the better, or for the worse.

My ex-husband has now been divorced two more times in the 10 years since I last saw him, for a grand total of 4 divorces.  What can this tell us about the trend of divorce?  Divorce is getting easier to obtain and is being decided on much more casually.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks shares with members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints;

Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks

"Nations that had no divorce law have adopted one, and most nations permitting divorces have made them easier to obtain. Unfortunately, under current no-fault divorce laws, it can be easier to sever a marriage relationship with an unwanted spouse than an employment relationship with an unwanted employee. Some even refer to a first marriage as a “starter marriage,” like a small home one uses for a while before moving on."¹





Divorce has slowly been trending up since colonial times.  After World War II, the rates leveled out, in relation to the baby boom, and after 1960, divorce rates began to rise again.  Those rates would double over the next two decades, ending up at an all time high in the early 1980's.  An increase in marital stability, perhaps in part by new family values policies led to a gradual decrease in divorce rates.  In todays world, the average couple saying "I do" has a 40-50% chance of divorcing.²

"Well then, Danica, how can we avoid a divorce?  Surely we must be able to do something!"  Yes, thank you for asking!  There are several factors that can greatly decrease your likelihood of divorce.

• Have a college education
• Engage in a religion affiliation
• Marry over the age of 25
• Have your first child 7 or more months after you say "I do"
• Have an annual income over $50,000
• If your parents are still married, that will also decrease your chances, though that is not something you are likely to have any control over. ³

There will be many people who, like me, went through a divorce despite their best intentions.  Perhaps it was not their choice.  Perhaps there was emotional, or physical abuse.  Perhaps there are other factors in place that just made it the only option.  How can we protect the victims of divorce, our children?  

• Pay your child support.  Your child is deprived of many privileges due to economic hardships when you are not supporting the resident parent. 
• Play a role in your childs life.  Show up and be involved!  Maintain rules and discipline.  Maintain expectations for behavior and academics.
• Co-parent cooperatively.  Play nice.  You not only limit the stress you put on your child this way, but you can also teach them valuable skills like communication, conflict resolution, negotiation,  and compromise.
• Limit stress.  Many things like placing your child in the middle of conflicts or moving can lead to problems for your child.  ⁴

I can personally attest to how painful, stressful and harmful divorce can be on the children.  My parents divorced when I was 6 years old, and they wanted to hurt each other, so they used us kids to do it.  We were put in the middle time and time again.  The effects of that stress are still with me today and I have had to overcome a lot since then.  I learned what I did not want to do, and I am trying everyday with my own family to do things differently.  

Divorce hurts the kids.  Plain and simple.  They are the first and most important victims in divorce.  If you think that you can find happiness somewhere else, or if you think that you can make certain conflicts go away by ending your marriage, remember Elder Oaks words, that "2 out of 3 unhappily married adults who avoided divorce reported being happily married 5 years later."⁵  And often divorce doesn't solve conflicts, but rather creates new and sometimes worse conflicts.  Divorce is not easy.  It should not be decided on casually.  So please, if you are suffering, and if you are looking for a way to find happiness again, please speak to a professional.  Start communicating with your spouse and with someone who can help.  Visit LDS Family Services or find a Marriage and Family Therapist near you.

¹  Oaks, D. H. (2007, May). Divorce. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng 

² Wilcox, W. B., Marquardt, E., Blankenhorn, D., Lerman, R., & Malone-colon, L. (2012). p 69  The state of our unions 2012: Marriage in America: The Presidents marriage agenda. The National Marriage Project.

³ Wilcox, W. B., Marquardt, E., Blankenhorn, D., Lerman, R., & Malone-colon, L. (2012). p 74  The state of our unions 2012: Marriage in America: The Presidents marriage agenda. The National Marriage Project.

⁴ Amato, P. R. (2005). The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation. Futureofchildren.org, 15(2), 75-96.

⁵Oaks, D. H. (2007, May). Divorce. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng