Week 6-Sacrifice makes us richer

God knows that what we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly. In His own words, "All those who will not endure chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified" (D&C 101:5). To become heavenly, we must endure earthly challenges-including the unexpected ones in marriage. 

When Jesus visited America, He told the people that he no longer accepted their sacrifices and burnt offerings. He wanted a new kind of sacrifice. ''And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit " (3 Nephi 9:20, emphasis added).

                                                                                             H. Wallace Goddard

                                                                             Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009

I love this quote by Goddard.  Think about it for a moment.  When something comes to us easily, we don't value it as much.  I think back to my first semester of community college after high school.  My parents paid for my classes and my books, and I had nothing else going on in my life, no other responsibilities.  I missed class often, was frequently talking with one of my friends in class, and ultimately ended up dropping out in the middle of my second semester.  I had absolutely no value for my opportunity to receive a higher education.  

Fast forward to when I was 24.  I was working full time and living on my own.  I enrolled myself in the local community college and paid my entire way, fitting school and my studies in between my working hours.  You better believe I paid attention to every word, I did all my homework and studied for every quiz.  I received all A's until I ended up moving, but the pattern has continued every time I've had the opportunity to take more classes.

Now, not every young student lacks the value for their education that I did, however, I can relate to what Goddard is telling the reader.

In marriage, its quite the same.  We sacrifice for those we love, and that sacrifice causes us to think about our relationship differently.  We've invested our time, our sweat, our tears, and our hearts into this other imperfect person.  We value it, and that person more.  So I have to stop and think... what have I sacrificed in order to value my husband more?

• My love for travel has taken a backseat as my husband does not enjoy traveling very much.
• Moved to Las Vegas for his job opportunity. (I had never ever wanted to live in Las Vegas)
• Gave my body to carrying and bearing our children.
• Supported his decision to become a police officer, keeping him away from home much of the week, and when he is home, its at odd hours.
• Keep the children quiet during the day so he can sleep.
• Attend functions, activities, and do the regular life stuff alone most of the time due to his job.
• Gave up the dream of moving to another state once we realized that becoming a police officer here mostly meant he would be retiring here as well.

Those are all the things I start to think about when I get frustrated about something he's said or done, or my situation not being"fair".  Doesn't he see how hard I work?  Doesn't he see how much I've given up to support him and his dream?  How dare he question any decisions I have to make (on my own), how dare he try to criticize the way the house looks, or something that we choose to do.  BUT.  How does that encourage or leave room for any fondness or admiration that I have for him?  In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman says "Having a fundamentally positive view of your spouse and your marriage is a powerful buffer when bad times hit. [When you] have this reserve of good feeling, [you] do not have cataclysmic thoughts about separation and divorce each time [you] have an argument."

I think that I need to encourage that admiration to banish those feelings of contempt that I feel creeping up on occasion.  Perhaps I should bring to mind what HE has sacrificed for ME...

• Humored my desire to live in the better apartments in town when we first got married despite the fact they were a little more expensive.
• Got a cat and dog when I asked for them.
• Got a van when I thought we needed a van. (It was after our 3rd child was born, and we did legit need the van, and it fit in the budget, but he still could have been difficult about the prospect of spending that much money)
• Supports our family by working hard and being a consistent good and valuable worker.
• Takes overtime in order to make sure our finances are taken care of.
• Puts money aside to look out for our future.
• Supports me in being a stay at home mom, resulting in a lower income for our family.
• Plays with the kids and is a loving dad to them.
• Drives an older beat up car so that we have the bigger van for me and the kids.

I could probably go on, but you get the idea.  There is so much more I could do to appreciate him and the things he does.  Well, I think that all the things I have sacrificed for our marriage and for him are well and great, but they seem to be pretty superficial.  What else could I sacrifice that would mean more and do more for us?

• Give up that need to be right.
• Let him have the last word.
• Do not correct him.
• Give him the benefit of the doubt.
• Trust and respect his opinions and decisions.
• Ask for his input.
• Avoid Criticism.
• Avoid defending myself.
• Remember our good memories when I'm wanting to reach out and slap him in his big face...

I'll leave you with another quote from Goddard...

Sacrifice is generally devalued and misunderstood in our society. Tzvetan Todorov, a social commentator, invites us to think differently: "To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one's time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one's efforts, not poorer."

As I read that, while sitting on my couch, I looked up for a question my husband asked me, while he was chewing on a sandwich.
"Can you please not talk with food in your mouth and chew with your mouth closed," I irritatedly asked.
"I AM!" he defended himself.
"No, you're not," I responded as I went back to reading.

I kid you not, this was the next paragraph.

It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner's grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly. It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk. It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet to meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes. It takes divine grace to discard or limit the hobbies that prevent us from helping around the house.

Oops.  "Sorry," I sheepishly offered him.  Boy, this is going to take a lot of work on my part!  I have a lot I need to change about me and my reactions, but I think thats a sacrifice worth making.