Week 7- Turn Toward One Another

This week I had the BEST date with my husband that we've had since we've been married.  The best date in almost 10 years!  Sounds pretty special huh?  We probably went to one of the fanciest steakhouses in Las Vegas, where the lighting was dimmed just right and one perfectly twinkling candle was right in between us.  We were probably set at the coveted table right by the window looking over the lights of Las Vegas, as a violin trio serenaded us from the corner of the room.  The food was probably perfectly cooked and savory, and we probably indulged in a decadent chocolate dessert while we chatted about the kids.  We must have gotten home late, paid the babysitter and then sent her on her way.

Nope.

We had our regular homemade dinner with the kids, and then put them to bed.  We got dressed in our comfy pajamas and came down to the kitchen together.  We then put away our phones, and started to make brownies together.  Once they were in the oven, we got out a puzzle and started to work on that, and while we did that, we played a twenty questions game, trying to answer personal questions about each other.  Questions like "Whats my biggest fear right now?" "Whats my favorite restaurant?" and "Whats my ideal vacation?"  We didn't talk about the kids, or what we needed to do the next day, or about what he did to make me mad the day before.  The time passed way too quickly, and I was sad when it was time for us to put everything away and go to bed.

Why was THIS simple night the best date?
If you were to ask John Gottman PH.D., I think he'd tell you that we were busy making deposits into our emotional bank account that night.  In doing little things to turn toward one another, or engaging in little positive interactions with one another, we were building trust and positive feelings and memories. Theres so many different examples of things you could do to turn toward your spouse, according to Gottman...

• Make a grocery list, and go shopping together
• Watch or read the news together
• Plan and host a dinner party
• Take a class together
• Call or text each other during the day just to say hi
• Exercise together
• Commute together or go for a drive
• Do service for someone together
• Do chores around the house
• Help each other out with a chore or inconvenience
• Make brownies together... what we did!
• Put together a puzzle...what we did!

This week my husband and I have been turning toward each other a lot.  For instance, on Monday morning, he sent me back to bed after I had a particularly rough night with the baby, and he fed and managed our older kids.  May I tell you, no man has ever looked as sexy as he did that day!

But for a majority of our ten years together, we have not been great at turning toward one another.  Gottman does explain why some people may struggle.

1. Missing an opportunity to turn to your spouse because their request was wrapped in anger or negativity-  yes, taking out the trash, or staying home with kids so your spouse can do something can be little moments of turning to your spouse.  Sometimes your spouse will ask for those moments, but if they are irritated or ask in a not nice way, we can get caught up in that negativity and completely miss that bid and that opportunity.  What could turn into a deposit in the emotional bank account then turns into an argument and a withdrawal from the account.  If you are guilty of doing this, or reacting to this (GUILTY!  On both counts!) take a moment.  Count to five.  See if theres a request there that you can respond to instead of the negativity. Then ignore the negativity and move on.
2. Being distracted by technology- Turn the TV off, put the phones away, and be present!  When you are preoccupied, you are missing opportunities and you are isolating yourself.  No online game or email is worth cutting yourself off from your family.

• "Couples often ignore each others emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice." -Gottman

Sometimes a couple will run into the problem where one spouse is turning to the other, but the other spouse doesn't do the same, or may even go to the other extreme of turning away.  I get it, I've been there, and I know what you're feeling in that situation.  It can hurt your pride, hurt your feelings, and those negative feelings can hang around for a while.  What can you do?  Gottman advises;

• DO NOT turn away from your spouse in retaliation
• Consider the others love language, or needs for intimacy
• Look to see if there are little moments you are missing, or if theres an underlying hostility unresolved.
• Have a conversation and talk through it

When you feel that imbalance though, sometimes people with religious belief have another source to turn to.  When you have FAITH in God, perhaps all other things can fall into place.  That faith can give us an eternal perspective, and replace our pride.  When we see our partner not turning to us, we can trust that God is working on their heart the same that He is working on our hearts.  We learn from our disconnected moments so that when we become connected again, we feel an unparalleled happiness and satisfaction.  I feel like if you follow all of John Gottman's advise above, with an eye on the Lord,  then we, in our marriage, can make our own journey to eternal happiness.

Doctrine & Covenants 64:33 says "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."
In turning toward one another, in these seemingly small acts of kindness and friendship, you are building something great.  You are building a marriage that is strong, and that will last.  The friendship and the positivity that is created acts as a glue that holds you together in the tough times.  That is how you get to eternity.