Week 5-Marriage lessons from our early years

When I was little, my younger brother made me SO MAD!  He was 3 years younger than I was, and he knew just how to push every single one of my buttons.  To be fair, I pushed every single one of his as well, we argued, we fought over the T.V.,  we were constantly tattle-taling on each other to our mom.  I remember my mom would constantly tell me "You better learn how to get along with your brother.  One day you're going to have a husband who makes you mad too, and you can't go tattling on him to me..."



In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard talks a little bit about the qualities we learn as children that maybe aren't so innocent.  Think back to your younger days and see if you remember doing any of the following with a sibling, cousin, or close friend...



  • Putting your own needs first. "Go for the biggest piece of cake"
  • Defending yourself. "Don't show weakness. Return fire for fire."
  • View others as the guilt party. "Consider even innocent behavior as aggressive or selfish"
  • Zero in on others weaknesses. "Notice what makes others crazy and be prepared to bombard them."
  • Make fun of and minimize others. "Treat others with disdain."
  • Color the Truth. "Tell stories in ways that make me look innocent, my sibling guilty."
  • Argue their faults.  "Describe their faults derisively." 
  • Be aware of the audience.  "Take advantage of Mom and Dads irritation with the enemy sibling."
  • Inspire hurt and fear.  "Learn the tools of terrorism."
(Goddard, 2009)

Looking at the above list, does any of that sound familiar?  I mean, not to me, I was an angel child.  
Ok, fine, perhaps one, or two, or the whole list are tactics I MAY have used once or twice...
But my younger brother totally deserved it, right?
Ok, maybe he didn't, but it was survival of the fittest, dude.
Alright, alright, I'm putting myself in a long overdue time-out.



So Goddard tells the reader that while these "lessons" learned as children were not exactly healthy then, many people carry these "lessons" with them into their future marriages.  Go back and read  the list again.  This time, replace the word "others" or "sibling" with the word "spouse."  
Go on.... I'll wait.....



Ouch, right?

I told my mom back then that I didn't have to worry about tattling on my husband because he wouldn't irritate me the way my younger brother did.  I would get to choose my husband.  I didn't get to choose my brother.
Boy was I wrong!
My husband can get on the last nerve I have.  He can make me so mad I can't see straight, my blood pressure spikes to about 200 BPM, and I see red.  So how can I escape these childhood lessons learned?

The Plan of Happiness and the atonement can offer some help.  Through the atonement, we are made clean.  In ALL aspects we are made clean, we are given grace, and we MUST extend that grace that we are given (we did not earn it, we were given it) to others.  The Plan of Happiness teaches us that there is opposition in all things.  How can we find ultimate happiness, if we haven't tasted a little of the bitter with our spouse?  How can we reach our divine potential if we have not turned away from those natural inclinations to lash out at our beloved?  

I think the song Families can be Together Forever gives us more answers than we think it does...
I have a family here on earth
They are so good to me
I want to share my life with them 
through all eternity 
Families can be together forever
Through heavenly fathers plan
I always want to be with my own family
And the Lord has shown me how I can
The Lord has shown me how I can

"I have a family here on earth"... My husband and I created this family.  Together.  
"They are so good to me"... We don't earn the goodness our family is meant to give.  Love is unconditional.
"I want to share my life with them through all eternity"...  Eternity is a long time.  Now is the time to learn how to be kind.  Learn to give grace and kindness and to see the best in each other.

The Lord has shown us the way we can do this, because it will not always be easy.  I will repeat, IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE EASY.  We can't always do it on our own, we need the Lords help, the atonement, and knowledge of the Plan of Happiness.

Right now, I'm retraining myself.  My husband and I have incorporated some really bad habits into our marriage.  But I'm not without hope.  I think that by taking Goddards advice and bringing Christ more central into our marriage, and by building our friendship up again, we can have a marriage that my kids will want to emulate one day.  And we're working on it, one day at a time.

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