Harperly Everly After

I've shared before that my family experiences while growing up were less than ideal.  That being said, it was obvious why I dreamed of one day being part of a whole family who loved each other and was there for each other.  Marrying into such a family wasn't my driving goal when I was dating, but it was something that I considered very important to me.  I imagined a mother and father-in-law who were just as close to me as real parents, and siblings-in-law that I could confide in.  I lucked out.  While everything isn't the exact picture perfect dream I imagined, its pretty darn close.  I have 5 sisters-in-law, 2 brothers-in-law, and a mother and father-in-law that I chat on the phone with regularly.   My in-laws always inquire after how my family is doing, and they share our joys, and our sadnesses, always validating our thoughts and fears, and never dismissing us or our feelings.   My mother-in-law comes to visit regularly, and I always wish her ...

I did not grow up in a traditional family.  We had so many issues, we could have started our own magazine.   I've discussed before that pretty much everything I learned about families and relationships was learned through learning what I didn't want to do because of them.  The last time I ever lived under a roof with 2 normal happily married people was when I was 4 years old.  The weekends I spent at my dads house, I learned very well that his favorite saying about the rules at his house was "This isn't a democracy, its a dictatorship!" This week basically reinforced that everything I experienced growing up was just one big no-no as far as how families should deal with control and power.  Heres what I learned from Richard B. Miller in an address titled Who's the Boss; Parents should be the "executive committee" and the "Board of Directors"... not dictators.   Parents lead the family.  Its not about control, its about love and care. ...

I want to relate a story that a good friend shared with me in the midst of a conflict she was having.  I have her permission to share.  My good friend showed up at church one Sunday surprised to see that an old male friend of hers had not only just moved into her ward, but had moved five doors down from her, on the same street as her.  It wasn't long before their kids were carpooling to school, the families were hanging out for dinners and games, and it was very easy to pick the friendship right back up where they left off.  The only problem was they were no longer young single adults, but married with families.  The friendship that felt natural was no longer appropriate.  They would text each other on occasion about kids or school stuff and then continue talking about other things.  He would complain about his wife and she would give him advise thinking she was helping.  One night when her husband was working late, she heard a noise in her ba...

When researcher John Gottman, PH.D. looked to see what the main difference was between couples who continued to improve on their marriage and happiness over the years, and those who did not, he found one blaring difference.  He noticed that couples who were successful in their relationship had devoted time and patterns to improving their relationship each week.  He called this the Magic Six Hours.  Gottman outlines this weekly pattern in the end of his book The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work; Partings-  Find out at least one thing that your spouse will be doing that day.  What is something that is on their schedule?  Doing this for 5 working days, at 2 minutes a day, this totals 10 minutes . Reunions - ALWAYS greet your spouse after the day with a hug and a kiss.  Not just a peck, but a kiss that lasts at least 6 seconds.  Can you knock their socks off?  Then have a conversation about the day for around 20 minutes.  Doi...

Imagine you are in the middle of a fight with your significant other.  Are you imagining a fight over who's turn it is to take out the trash or load the dishwasher?  Or are you imagining something that goes a lot deeper?  Maybe its a fight over how much time your spouse is working, or one or the both of your spending habits?   Our conflicts with our spouse can always be broken into two types of issues.  Solvable and Perpetual conflicts; Solvable conflict - Focuses on a specific problem.  They can easily be resolved.  They do not bring up past feelings about other conflicts or cause you to become heated or emotional.  Your spouse does not become the bad guy. Perpetual conflict (69% of conflicts)- These cannot be resolved.  Represent core differences in personality or values.  Our past, emotional needs, and habits often are at the heart of these problems.  They can feel overwhelming and intense, easy to become gridlocked, or...

Pride. Not me.  Right?  Pride goeth before the fall.  Pride is one of the deadly sins.  I don't have that problem.  Definitely not me. Sigh. I learned a lot about pride this week.  The more I learned about it, the more I saw it within myself. I was reading Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, and he talks about the battle we wage due to pride. The scene is set for the battle because  of  our pride. Pride includes our own attunement to our own needs as the standard  of judgment. Pride also includes the fact that we honestly believe that we understand our partners and what makes them tick. We presume to understand their thoughts, motives and intent better than even they themselves do. We then go on to mentally review current and past violations of the other person, we define the problem, which almost always is solely our partner, and we declare innocence and guilt.  We focus on what we know, how we...

This week I had the BEST date with my husband that we've had since we've been married.  The best date in almost 10 years!  Sounds pretty special huh?  We probably went to one of the fanciest steakhouses in Las Vegas, where the lighting was dimmed just right and one perfectly twinkling candle was right in between us.  We were probably set at the coveted table right by the window looking over the lights of Las Vegas, as a violin trio serenaded us from the corner of the room.  The food was probably perfectly cooked and savory, and we probably indulged in a decadent chocolate dessert while we chatted about the kids.  We must have gotten home late, paid the babysitter and then sent her on her way. Nope. We had our regular homemade dinner with the kids, and then put them to bed.  We got dressed in our comfy pajamas and came down to the kitchen together.  We then put away our phones, and started to make brownies together.  Once they were in t...

God knows that what we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly. In His own words,  " All those who will not  endure  chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified"  (D&C  101:5). To become heavenly, we must endure earthly challenges-including the unexpected ones in marriage.   When Jesus visited America, He told the people that he no longer accepted  their sacrifices and  burnt offerings. He  wanted  a new kind  of  sacrifice. ''And ye  shall offer  for a  sacrifice unto me a  broken heart  and a  contrite  spirit  "  (3 Nephi 9:20, emphasis added).                                                                                             ...

When I was little, my younger brother made me SO MAD!  He was 3 years younger than I was, and he knew just how to push every single one of my buttons.  To be fair, I pushed every single one of his as well, we argued, we fought over the T.V.,  we were constantly tattle-taling on each other to our mom.  I remember my mom would constantly tell me "You better learn how to get along with your brother.  One day you're going to have a husband who makes you mad too, and you can't go tattling on him to me..." In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage , H. Wallace Goddard talks a little bit about the qualities we learn as children that maybe aren't so innocent.  Think back to your younger days and see if you remember doing any of the following with a sibling, cousin, or close friend... Putting your own needs first. "Go for the biggest piece of cake" Defending yourself. "Don't show weakness. Return fire for fire." View others as the g...

My covenant marriage: November 7, 2009 Newport Beach Temple I remember a conversation I had when I was 19 with my serious boyfriend at the time.  We had been dating for almost a year and a half, he was in the military and he wanted to seriously talk about marriage.  My struggle at the time was the fact that I loved him with all my heart, however, he was not a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  There was a war waging in my heart.  I desperately wanted to be married in the temple, to have a "covenant marriage", yet my high school sweetheart had no interest in joining the church.  He could not understand why a temple marriage meant so much to me, and though I tried my best to explain it to him, I'm sure the 20 year old version of me did not do the best job in explaining.  If I could go back and whisper the right words in my ear, I'd include some of the following... ⤐It's important to me .  I've s...

My son was cuddling with me on my lap about a year ago.  He was 5 years old and had just gotten home from preschool.  We were talking and he told me he wanted to marry me someday.  My heart melted.  I told him "Awe, honey, you can't marry me, I'm already married to daddy!"  While he didn't like that answer, he told me a minute later, "I'm gonna marry a boy, mommy!"  When I asked him why he said that, he told me "Cause my heart told me so."  I brushed it off as "Well, daddy married a girl, and then we had YOU!"  and changed the topic as I feel its not an appropriate age to discuss anything for or against the topic. Now in all probability, he probably just wants to have fun with his friends all day, every day, for the rest of his life, and he thinks, I know, I'll marry my friends (who are boys) and we can have fun all day long, forever!  But what would happen if he brought that statement to his teacher at school?  He might...

Once upon a time...  I was young and head over heels in love.  I had the fairy tale wedding, I had the cute step-son that I adored, and I got butterflies in my stomach every day that I woke up next to my handsome husband.  And then I didn't.  My world came crashing down around me in a tumbling of lies, deceit, infidelity (both emotional and physical), confusion, and abandonment.  I did every possible thing I could think of to slow down that oncoming train of change, but nothing that I did had the power to slow down that bulldozing force of destruction.  The hours I spent on my knees in prayer, the articles I pulled up on how to save a marriage, the desperate pleas I made to him, the marriage counseling that he wouldn't attend, nothing made a difference.  I learned that sometimes, despite our best intentions, we cannot have any power over another persons actions.  For the better, or for the worse. My ex-husband has now been divorced two mor...